It just dawned on me the other day that I have been single for 6 years… DAMN!
They really aren’t lying when they say time flies.
Maybe you’ve read some of my previous posts and can sort of guess why this is the case. It wasn’t something I necessarily planned, it sort of just happened for a variety of reasons.
I have spent 6 Valentine’s days, 6 New Years’, 6 Birthdays single hahahhhaah.
Don’t get me wrong, I have been enjoying my life but there are moments I wished I’d had someone. 6 years is quite a long time, no wonder why my friends keep asking me when I’ll get a man and my family members sometimes wonder if I’m not a closeted lesbian…
Side note: I really ought to go out more so I can meet new people.
My dating life has been quite the mess…
I could tell you a bunch of stories to prove just how much of a mess it’s been excluding the ones I’ve shared in previous blog posts. Some experiences left me emotionally scarred. I’ve been reluctant (which is putting it lightly) to open up to someone on a deeper level. I am trying though.
At one stage, I chose to stay single because honestly, I just didn’t trust myself because I felt I wasn’t a good judge of character.
There are days when this is the one thing about myself that bothers me but on most days I’m indifferent. Then I randomly remember that my “biological clock is ticking” and yes, I’ve been reminded of this by others too (hehe) but what can I actually do about it?
It’s not that I don’t try but things just don’t work out and I end up with yet another fuck buddy (no, I don’t screw every guy I meet lol) which, to be honest, is a bore to me.
I’m just not into that anymore which is why I just don’t do anything with anyone.
When I was younger it was a bit confusing to me because I wanted to wait but at the same time kept being told by peers how guys will just go get it (sex) somewhere else (which turned out to be true in my case) so I kind of just stayed away from men to try to protect myself I guess…
I met someone not so long ago who I thought would be a potential lover but it just hasn’t turned out that way. I’m not bothered by this particular “situation”, it’s just something that I noted and then continued on with my life.
Sometimes it feels a little weird because my friends are all in relationships so I’m the only one who’s single. I get tired of being the third wheel…
For the past 6 years, I’ve been trying to sort myself out internally and get my life on track. I’m still not where I want to be but I’m trying.
The past few years, I had told myself I wasn’t going to date because I wanted to concentrate on my goals and graduate and blah blah blah but I have wondered if putting dating on the back burner for so long was a good move on my part.
Let’s be honest though, being broke and unemployed will put more than a damper in your dating life. I always wonder WTF I even have to offer if I don’t have my shit together, you know what I mean? At the same time, I’m getting older, time is passing by, my shit’s still not together so I wonder what I’m waiting for.
I already had trust issues then I found out that I had actually been cheated on; which only made things even more difficult for me. I am terrified of pouring my heart into something only to have the same experience again which is such a fuck up because the only way to know whether or not something will work out, is to go ahead and do it.
At some stage, I felt like Good Luck Chuck because it felt as if people go and meet their person after having been with me hahaha… I laugh about back then I was crying inside.
Even my mom’s friends are concerned because I’m always at home. they ask me how I’m supposed to meet my future husband if I never leave the house; which is a valid point…
What I can tell you though is that being single has given me ample time to work on myself, get to know myself on a deeper level, and figure out what it is that I want.
My situation at home is quite stressful at times and when I do meet someone new and I start to like them, I battle with trying to figure out whether I like them because now I have a distraction from my shitty life or if I genuinely like them. So fucked up, I know!
What I do know is that overall, I am more comfortable in my own skin. I know who I am now and the kind of woman I want to be.
I may worry about my relationship status from time to time but there’s honestly no need to rush into anything.
Having been alone for so long hasn’t made it easy for me to try to share my time with someone. I’m so used to doing whatever I want, whenever I want without having to take anyone else into consideration.
I have dealt with the struggles that were keeping me from dating (for the most part). So I do feel like I am ready. I just get a little scared sometimes.
Sometimes my insecurities camp out in the back of my mind and come knocking at inappropriate times. Then I start to wonder what’s wrong with me… Why can’t I be like my peers?
Why is it so difficult for me to go out and meet new people? Am I stuck in my own head too much? Why is it so difficult for me just to meet new people that are actually interested in dating me? What am I doing wrong? These are some of the questions I find myself pondering at night.
When self-doubt comes knocking, it’s never pretty…
All of my friends are coupled up. It’s gotten to the point where people are like “oh my word, are you STILL single?” hahaha, why are people so bothered?
Then okes will want to do couples things with me and I’m just sitting there like…
I’m not going to lie, there are days when I feel left out. My friends are all going on “baecations”, moving in with their partners and planning futures and what -not.
I hope someday to meet someone who’ll be patient and understanding. Until then I shall continue to just enjoy my single life and embrace all the good.
It’s actually been fun re-discovering myself and working on myself and my personal growth.
Honestly, it doesn’t matter how long it takes us to find the right person, get married and have kids (whatever order you do that in). Just enjoy the life that you have now and eventually, things will happen when it’s time.
Sure, your friends and family may talk shit about how single you are but don’t let that get you down.
There’s so much more to life than dating and relationships (I’m not saying relationships don’t matter).
Okay, I’m done babbling now. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk, haha!