From Unlovebale To Redeemed

For a very long time, I felt like I was unlovable. These feelings stemmed from my past experiences, failed relationships and how men have treated me in the past. I had come to accept that maybe love and healthy relationships were reserved for other people, not me.

This all changed when I found God.

I was hesitant to share this, then I thought, why not? If even one person feels seen in my story, then it’s worth telling.

There was a time that I felt like I wasn’t good enough because I felt like men were always leaving me without explanation or constanly choosing someone else over me. I did not understand what I was doing wrong or what other women had that I didn’t. I felt like the result was the same – whether I slept with them or not, sooner or later they would leave. Eventually, I came to expect it, never understanding what it was about me that wasn’t worth sticking around for.

I felt like was was ugly. Used. Disposable.

I tried to fill the void with alcohol and sex but it was never enough. When all was said and done, I was left feeling empty inside. I tried to act like I didn’t care and I wasn’t bothered but deep down inside I did. All I wanted was to feel worthy of being loved. I was tired of seeing my friends find boyfriends so easily and I was perpetually single. I grew tired of repeating the same cycle with different men and having it end abrublty with no explanation. It was painful and confusing. Eventually I accepted that maybe healthy, loving relationships were not for me.

At the beginning of last year I told myself I want my life to be different. I was unhappy and feeling empty and unfulfilled. Nothing I tried seemed to be working, not my love life or my career. I even felt like my friendships were just not for me anymore and I needed a change.

On the first Sunday, I just decided to wake up and go to church. I’d tried just about everything else and it didn’t work so what did I have to lose?

After that, I just kep showing up Sunday after Sunday then on one random Sunday, something touched me during a church service. It’s like I felt something move inside me and when they did the alter call, I just went. They do the alter call every Sunday but on that particular Sunday, I found myself cyring, not because I was sad, I just felt a release that I had never felt before.

I attended the next baptism class (alone, because I was the only one who went that service). I was feeling a little scared and started over thinking, I’m not sure what exactly I thought was going to happen. Fear of the unknown, I guess.

To my surprise, my friends had attended the baptism class too, just a different session, which meant we would all be getting baptised together. It was super exciting. It has been incredible being on this journey together – I mean, we started off as complete strangers who had been attending the same church but just never met, to getting baptised together and becoming “Friends in Faith’ (that’s the name of our Whatsapp group).

It’s been amazing having a community of women who support each other and help each other grow in faith with no judgement. We are all so different yet also so similar.

Getting closer to God has helped me to love myself and changed the way that I see myself and relationships.

Yes, there are a few issues that I’m still working on but I feel much more confident in myself and hopeful that things will work out one day. What’s most important is letting go of the idea that something is wrong with me and that I’m unlovabale.